Archive | April, 2012

My Wednesday Letter {a note of thanks}

18 Apr

I am embarrassed to admit it, but I am a terrible thank you note writer. Seriously. I’m pretty sure I wrote about 13 thank you notes for my wedding (200 guests!), about 7 for baby gifts (I have 4 kids!), and maybe 3 just for random gifts and things over my adult life (16 years!). I know you are horrified. {You can close your mouth now.}

And the sad thing is, is that I LOVE receiving them. When I open them from the mailbox, I always think something like, That is so thoughtful of so & so. She didn’t have to do that. I love her. I’m pretty sure there aren’t too many people saying that about me. I’m working on it, people!

The best kinds of thank you notes, though, aren’t the ones sent to thank you for a present, they are the ones that are sent to thank you for receiving one of the greatest gifts

friendship.

**

Will you join me in writing today’s Wednesday Letter?

I want us each to thank a friend. It could be one from childhood, one we’ve lost touch with, one who was with us for only a short season in life, it could be one we don’t even know very well, one we just met, one that is with us now, or one of our dearest friends . It could even be one we lost and never got the chance to thank.

**

So, I encourage us to each take a few minutes out of our day to stop and reflect about our many blessings called friendship. Then pick up a pen and paper (doesn’t have to be anything fancy) and write a little note of thanks. I guarantee you a smile will greet that little note on the other side.

And to you, my sweet friend…

**

You truly mean so much to me and I am blessed to call you my friend.

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All Y’all

15 Apr

Just in case you were wondering.


And for an added bonus:

And now you know.

You’re welcome.

Being Taken Care Of

13 Apr

My husband takes care of people for a living. He works long hours. Usually when he comes home, he’s so exhausted that he just collapses. {I secretly take pictures of him when he accidentally falls asleep… hee hee} So sometimes, when he get home from work we don’t always get the best of him. Sometimes, it’s just the left overs. Not his fault. Just the nature of the beast.

Yesterday afternoon, I was out with the kids in the backyard when my throat started hurting, really bad. My head ached and just felt yucky.

I was sick.

Thankfully, my guy came home early. It was about 5:15pm when he walked in the door. I asked it I could please sneak away to our room and take a little nap.

He said yes.

I woke up around 9pm to him serving me grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup in bed.

**

We didn’t have those things in the pantry so I knew he had run to the store.

Oh, how I felt so loved.

Then he fed me ever so sweetly.

Um, no he didn’t. But it sounded good.

He crawled into bed, and we watched New Girl on Hulu.

   **

Have you seen this? It cracks me up!

We concluded that there is a lot of sex going on in that show. Me and my naive self chooses to think that all that sleeping around doesn’t happen in the real world.

And so, I continue to live happily in my denial sheltered bubble.

Anyway, it wasn’t the evening I had planned, (had lots to get done and missed something I was supposed to go to), but it ended up being so restful and relaxing. All because my guy took such good care of me.

And he didn’t even get paid for it. Well, at least not monetarily… {wink wink}.  Just kidding.

Maybe.

I’m a poet & I didn’t even know it

12 Apr

One of the biggest lessons I learned last year was that I truly am not in control of my life. Yes, I make decisions and yes, I do have choices. But ultimately, I believe that there is a master artist, a great storyteller, a loving Creator that is painting and writing the best piece we will ever know.

I have never written a poem in my life. Well, maybe a haiku or two {hee hee}.  But about a month ago, I was journaling and just started writing words down. About 15 minutes later I was reading this on the page in front of me…

My Surrender

Here I stand, all alone, waving my white flag,

barely able to hold it up, but finally feeling glad.

I wave it not out of defeat but a yielding kind of way,

knowing that from here on out, I’m not alone each day.

I’m following my Leader, because I know, that He knows best;

before, when trying to plan life myself, I only thought of my interest.

I would said, “Yes, I believe.” But did I really trust?

And then He said, “living for ME and not for self, is going to be a must,

if you want to be a part of my great big plan…

serve me, do for me, and not for the praises of man.”

So here I am, flag in hand, and choosing to remember,

that every morning when I wake, I must stand & wave my surrender.

me being vulnerable. yuck.

8 Apr

I wrote this a week or so ago, but was too chicken to post it. This is not something that I have shared with many people. I don’t know who will read it and it freaks me out thinking about that. You may be a family member or close friend and not have known any of this was going on because I tried to put on a happy face and pretend like everything was ok. Or maybe you did know something was up (cause I am not that great at pretending) but didn’t say anything. Either way, no more hiding. I’m tired of pretending. It’s exhausting.

This is me. For reals.

***

I haven’t blogged as consistently as I had hoped. Life seems to get in the way. Kids, school, baseball practice, piano, husband, dog. You know, those kinds of things.

Well, actually, I wish i could blame it on all of that. But really, it’s because of something else.

Remember how in my very first post I said something like; i want to be real on this blog, be authentic, and all that crap? Well, that was a stupid thing for me to say. Because that is hard to do. Because if I really want to be authentic &  real, then I have to be vulnerable.

And that is just plain scary.

It may not be scary if you and I were sitting over a cup of coffee having a heart to heart and you would promise me that this conversation wouldn’t leave our little table. But it’s a little scary writing it out for all the world to see. Not that all the world sees it, but still. You know what I mean. Putting myself out there. Telling you about my flaws. How I’m not perfect. How I don’t have it all together all the time. Or at all.

And I feel like I have to share this in order to move forward, because it’s a part of me. Part of my story. It’s why I am where I am today. Which is a really good place to be, usually. And I have also learned that when you share, there is someone else out there that can understand what you are saying. There is someone who may need to hear it too. So they know they are not alone.

And I’m not talking about the huge pile of laundry to wash and fold, or a pile of dishes in the sink, or a kitchen floor that needs to be swept, or a minivan that has goldfish and chicken nuggets hidden in the back seat.  No. Not that stuff.

Other stuff.

Stuff like anxiety. And other stuff like depression.

You may shrug this off and think, That’s no big deal.  I get anxious about things too, or Well yeah, some days I’m in a  funk & feel depressed too.

But it’s not that kind of  anxiety and depression. It’s the kind that can consume you, paralyze you.

It consumed me. It paralyzed me. For a long time.

For years I felt lost in a fog. I was going through the motions, but not ever really there. Not ever really listening.  It became my normal. It caused hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, anger. But it didn’t just affect (or is it effect? I never know) me, but those close to me too. I kept asking myself, What is wrong with me? What happened to me? Why can’t I get myself out of this funk? And as many times I asked, I was at a loss. I couldn’t figure it out.

I felt so trapped. I felt like a failure.

And the stinky thing about depression is that it’s not something that you can talk yourself out of or will yourself out of. “Get it together!” and “snap out of it!” kind of stuff does not work. You can’t wish it away or exercise it away. It’s there and it’s real.

A little over a year ago, things were getting a lot worse. I was so desperate, I wanted to go check myself into a hospital. But I didn’t. I should have. Because a few weeks later I crashed and burned. And it wasn’t pretty.

I knew then that I needed to get help. I knew my kids deserved better.

Last year i spent a good chunk of time {and money} in counseling/therapy. I got medicine that would help me. I learned a lot. I found me again.

And things have been good. Our little family is doing well. I’m doing well {for the most part}.

But lately, I can feel it slowly creeping back in. And that scares me more than anything. I can tell that I have retreated. I feel it in the mornings when getting out of bed is so hard (and not the normal “I am tired”). I can tell by my reactions to my kids, my husband, my mom. And because of all of that, I just haven’t been able to write anything on here. If I would have posted some happy pictures or wrote something cute or funny, it wouldn’t be real. And honestly, I have been feeling so low, that I didn’t even want to pretend.

Well, now you know. Not a lot of details, but the general idea, right? I’m sure you’ll be hearing more about it.

So there. That is why. Why you haven’t seen me lately. But now it’s out there …. and I’m feeling better already.

thanks for taking the time to listen.

amber