me being vulnerable. yuck.

8 Apr

I wrote this a week or so ago, but was too chicken to post it. This is not something that I have shared with many people. I don’t know who will read it and it freaks me out thinking about that. You may be a family member or close friend and not have known any of this was going on because I tried to put on a happy face and pretend like everything was ok. Or maybe you did know something was up (cause I am not that great at pretending) but didn’t say anything. Either way, no more hiding. I’m tired of pretending. It’s exhausting.

This is me. For reals.

***

I haven’t blogged as consistently as I had hoped. Life seems to get in the way. Kids, school, baseball practice, piano, husband, dog. You know, those kinds of things.

Well, actually, I wish i could blame it on all of that. But really, it’s because of something else.

Remember how in my very first post I said something like; i want to be real on this blog, be authentic, and all that crap? Well, that was a stupid thing for me to say. Because that is hard to do. Because if I really want to be authentic &  real, then I have to be vulnerable.

And that is just plain scary.

It may not be scary if you and I were sitting over a cup of coffee having a heart to heart and you would promise me that this conversation wouldn’t leave our little table. But it’s a little scary writing it out for all the world to see. Not that all the world sees it, but still. You know what I mean. Putting myself out there. Telling you about my flaws. How I’m not perfect. How I don’t have it all together all the time. Or at all.

And I feel like I have to share this in order to move forward, because it’s a part of me. Part of my story. It’s why I am where I am today. Which is a really good place to be, usually. And I have also learned that when you share, there is someone else out there that can understand what you are saying. There is someone who may need to hear it too. So they know they are not alone.

And I’m not talking about the huge pile of laundry to wash and fold, or a pile of dishes in the sink, or a kitchen floor that needs to be swept, or a minivan that has goldfish and chicken nuggets hidden in the back seat.  No. Not that stuff.

Other stuff.

Stuff like anxiety. And other stuff like depression.

You may shrug this off and think, That’s no big deal.  I get anxious about things too, or Well yeah, some days I’m in a  funk & feel depressed too.

But it’s not that kind of  anxiety and depression. It’s the kind that can consume you, paralyze you.

It consumed me. It paralyzed me. For a long time.

For years I felt lost in a fog. I was going through the motions, but not ever really there. Not ever really listening.  It became my normal. It caused hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, anger. But it didn’t just affect (or is it effect? I never know) me, but those close to me too. I kept asking myself, What is wrong with me? What happened to me? Why can’t I get myself out of this funk? And as many times I asked, I was at a loss. I couldn’t figure it out.

I felt so trapped. I felt like a failure.

And the stinky thing about depression is that it’s not something that you can talk yourself out of or will yourself out of. “Get it together!” and “snap out of it!” kind of stuff does not work. You can’t wish it away or exercise it away. It’s there and it’s real.

A little over a year ago, things were getting a lot worse. I was so desperate, I wanted to go check myself into a hospital. But I didn’t. I should have. Because a few weeks later I crashed and burned. And it wasn’t pretty.

I knew then that I needed to get help. I knew my kids deserved better.

Last year i spent a good chunk of time {and money} in counseling/therapy. I got medicine that would help me. I learned a lot. I found me again.

And things have been good. Our little family is doing well. I’m doing well {for the most part}.

But lately, I can feel it slowly creeping back in. And that scares me more than anything. I can tell that I have retreated. I feel it in the mornings when getting out of bed is so hard (and not the normal “I am tired”). I can tell by my reactions to my kids, my husband, my mom. And because of all of that, I just haven’t been able to write anything on here. If I would have posted some happy pictures or wrote something cute or funny, it wouldn’t be real. And honestly, I have been feeling so low, that I didn’t even want to pretend.

Well, now you know. Not a lot of details, but the general idea, right? I’m sure you’ll be hearing more about it.

So there. That is why. Why you haven’t seen me lately. But now it’s out there …. and I’m feeling better already.

thanks for taking the time to listen.

amber

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12 Responses to “me being vulnerable. yuck.”

  1. Kim Ravenscroft April 8, 2012 at 9:01 am #

    Hey Amber, thanks for posting this, I really needed to hear that I am not alone. I suffer depression too. That’s the first time I’ve actually admitted it – properly.

    Sometimes I find it so hard to get out of bed, I just want to sleep all the time. I’m currently in ground hog day, doing the same thing everyday, not really achieving anything and only functioning because I have to, not because I want to. I feel lost, confused, “in a fog” and I don’t know how to find my way out.

    God was never allowed in my life, I was taught that he is a figment of peoples imagination, something that they [society] needed to hold on to because life was so sucky but since Camp, my eyes have been opened quite a lot and now I don’t know what to believe. I do talk to him and I do ask [more like beg] everyday for guidance but I have no idea if he hears me or if I would even know if I heard him and that makes me feel alone.

    Where I’m at at the moment is on that verge, where I feel so down that I want to cry and sob, but I’m sooo lost that the tears won’t come. Somehow your post helps me to feel not so much alone, I still don’t know how to find my way out but at least I know there is a hand to hold in the dark.

    Thanks Amber x

    • amberomega April 9, 2012 at 6:04 am #

      you are not ever alone…i’m holding your hand sweet friend!

  2. Judy April 8, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    Amber,
    You are a brave, inspiring, and authentic person. Sharing your feelings takes great courage. Never forget that no matter what — you are so very loved!

  3. hazelsgirl April 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Brave, inspring, authentic are the exact words I was thinking too as I read your post the first time. Now that I’ve been thinking it over for a few days, I think those are the best words to describe you! Here’s a link to Jenny Doh’s book, ART SAVES, that you might enjoy.
    http://books.google.com/books?id=RHFrXHebAB8C&pg=PA10&lpg=PA10&dq=art+heals,+jenny+doh&source=bl&ots=6SPGjd6SJO&sig=nCfQronRESkNLc0Hgx7kM3a1SqY&hl=en&sa=X&ei=8zaHT_mUK-Gs8AGVwZysCA&sqi=2&ved=0CFEQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=art%20heals%2C%20jenny%20doh&f=false

    • amberomega April 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm #

      Oh, I know that book! I have never actually read it/looked through it, but I have seen it online and read about it. It’s one that I have been wanting to get. Maybe I’ll have to get it sooner than later 🙂

  4. hazelsgirl April 12, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

    or just Google Jenny Doh, Art Saves 🙂

  5. cre8tivgrl April 15, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

    love you Amber and while I want to say “I now exactly what you mean/feel” cuz I have been there, I don’t want to minimize YOUR feelings because to each our own and our own pain, but know I can sympathize with you….it DOES get better over time. I can be a pretty open book although you might not have thought that at camp. that made me realize how afraid I was to be vulnerable to a large group of people I don’t know…but if you were one on one w/ me you’d think I don’t shut up! 🙂 I have been there/done that and NOT gotten outta bed many a day, but I have done a lot of work (still need to do more to be comfortable in my own skin) but I can say it’s gotten better and easier and really, there ARE days that start like this and I CAN and AM ABLE to talk myself out of it…really. but it’s taken a LONG time to get here…and yes, the meds/therapy help a TON! Have you ever tried EMDR…LOVED it and I really think it helped w/ my relationship with my dad and anxiety…although I’m thinking the acupuncture really helped w/ the anxiety as well.

    Stay strong my funny, brave girl…you have GREAT HUMOR and if its coming from where you don’t feel its’ authentic, I think it IS, cuz it IS you…and you are a riot and make people smile, laugh and feel free!!

    LOVE YOU!
    Suzanne

  6. Lindsey Griffith April 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    Amber-I am so glad that I met you through Sally. I think you are amazing and I am sorry you deal with depression. I do as well and it stinks. I think it took great courage for you to post this and I admire you even more for it.

  7. Adriana July 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm #

    Amber, I just met you and yeah, it’s cliche-y but you and I are so alike. As in I-could-have-written-that-post alike. 2 months ago my family and friends got me into an impatient mental health facility. Which is nice for the loony bin. I spent 16 days there. They were some of the best days of my life. I finally felt hope. Sigh. Girl, we have a lot to talk about. 😀

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