The “B” Word

9 May


I despise that word {along with “Focus” but that is a whole other post}.

All my life {and still today} my mother would tell me if I could just get a little balance then things would be better. Well, I don’t think I have EVER been balanced. My emotions are high or they are low. I do things all the way or not at all. Then if I go full force, I end up burnt out. I let the house go and then get overwhelmed.  And all the while I’m trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. But it’s hard when there are a whole lot of other responsibilities {four littles, a man, and a dog} that I must tend to.

How do you create time for yourself but also give your best to your kids and husband? There are so many desires in my heart. But I don’t seem to have time for all of them. I am a dreamer and spend so much time thinking of all that I would love to do instead of actually doing something, doing anything!

I want to serve other women who have lost their way. I want to create a place for retreat for those who are weary. I want to encourage young girls to stay true to themselves. I want to have a creative space for them to use. And my heart is especially heavy for those who cannot speak for themselves…the millions and millions of orphans.  How do I, little old me sitting in a suburb of Nashville, TN covered in laundry and dishes and dirty little hands and feet, do anything to help those causes? I also have a desire to create, to make art and jewelry and learn new artsy things. So how does that fit in with all this other stuff?

I know I am a wife and mother first. I want that. I do. I know how blessed I am to have a loving husband and four beautiful, healthy children. But I also know that these other things have been placed on my heart for a reason. I know that what I went through the last few years and my experiences, my depression, are meant to be able to help and encourage others. It brings me joy whenever I am able to help and serve any of those needs.

So where is the balance? How do I do all those things? And if I’m not supposed to do all those things, what do I give up? How do I know which direction to move?

One day, about 10 years ago, I was standing in line at Barnes and Noble waiting to check out. I started looking at the little displays they have set up. One was filled with bookmarks with sayings and quotes. I picked one up and it read,

“It is never to late to become what you might have been.” – Anonymous

It resonated with me. I just sat there thinking about it. Because I think at the time, I was slowly slipping away, but didn’t fully realize it. I remember feeling very defeated. I didn’t know exactly how to interpret that quote for my life, but it was powerful enough for me to hold onto it.

Then i picked up another one and it said,

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

That resonated with me as well. Again, I couldn’t quite figure out what it meant for me and my life, but that day I bought those two little bookmarks and have carried them with me for the last decade. Finally last year those little quotes came to life. Out of my fog, they made sense.

Now I am just trying to figure out how to balance it all…my life and responsibilities…and the desires of my heart.

I am ready to leap, but I know it takes baby steps. I am not in a place to start something from scratch. Maybe it means i just step into something already established and serve in that capacity. Maybe it means I just give of the little resources I have. Maybe just a little of my time. It sounds much easier to do, but the dreamer in me wants more. I guess that is where the balance comes in, right?

2 Responses to “The “B” Word”

  1. Judy May 16, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

    Love your honesty and insights!

  2. chaosforlife May 26, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    you have literally just expressed my thoughts and feelings!! Im a new parent and i have no balance what so ever and have been trying to find one with my new little one, my boyfriend, school, cooking and cleaning. The house is a mess! I used to be so creeative and such a dreamer at the moment i want it all back and to keep it together at the same time.

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