I Lost My Big Girl Panties

25 Jun

Friday should have been a happy day.

Hayden walked out of the hospital for the last time.

He finished his three year fellowship. Ten years of training under his belt. We only have one more year to go until  all of his training is complete.

I should have been excited. For him. For us.

But I wasn’t.

I was filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment.

I was sad.

The reality that he would be leaving July 1st to work three hours away, finally hit. Hard.

In years past, when I faced challenging situations, rotations, or circumstances regarding his career, I brushed my fears aside, put on my big girl panties, convinced myself I could do it, and plowed through. And it worked…

…until last year.

After crashing and burning, I seem to have lost my big girl panties.

Some people will tell me I have every right to feel angry and bitter and will validate my feelings. Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s OK to acknowledge those emotions.

But I don’t want to live there.

I don’t want to stay angry, resentful, bitter.

I have seen other wives go through this process and live in those places. I always told myself I never wanted to do that. But here I was last Friday ready to take up residence in that very lonely place.

Blaming him was a way to justify my angst. But that was a lie. He didn’t do this to me. It’s a decision we made together. It was the best one for our family. I do still believe that. For better or for worse, right? Right.

The funny thing is, after talking crying to my friend about it, I don’t think I really want my big girl panties anymore. I don’t know if I need them.  As long as I have an ear to listen, some arms to hug me, and a few understanding and encouraging words, I think I’m good to go.

Well, for now at least.

***

{After Thought}  

Please check back with me in a few weeks. I may need you to buy me a new pair by then! You can get them here. Ooh, or this would work too. Size Medium. Thanks!

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8 Responses to “I Lost My Big Girl Panties”

  1. altarofheaven June 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

    I have two ears to listen and a mouth and heart to pray for you 😉

    I have compassion…I’ve been there done that and I also don’t want to stay there! I will be praying Proverbs 3:5-6 and for wisdom, peace and contentment.

    • amberomega June 25, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

      That is one of my FAVORITE verses!!! You are so kind. Thank you.

  2. Julie June 26, 2012 at 2:35 am #

    Oh Amber, I can certainly relate. Mike did something similar a few years back, only he wasn’t done, he had 1 year left. Then he started over, with a different program, 1,100 miles away. Skype was our friend. Now that he’s 71 days from “finishing” this 11 year journey it doesn’t quite seem real. I think it will take awhile to settle in because I’m conditioned to just waiting for our next move to come up. We had books/journals that we switched every time was saw each other to say everything else that we couldn’t say before. Hang in there, it’s not easy to be bitterless, and without resentment especially if you get sick and your kids are sick and there’s nobody else to feed them or take care of them with you, or stuff left around the house to complete. I found for our kids sake it’s incredibly important not to be though. It’s what you’re both doing for your futures, for your familys future to make everyone happy in the end. I’m sure you’ll both find the strength to hold each other up and your kids as well. If nothing else, it’s okay to cry! Hang in there my friend.

  3. amberomega June 26, 2012 at 4:06 am #

    Julie- you are a champ…seriously!!! I don’t know how you have done it all. It seems so long ago that we were sitting in book club in San Antonio and now we are almost done. Thanks for the encouraging words 🙂

  4. Wright June 26, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

    Cheering you, Hayden, and family on in this homestretch. A difficult time toward positive ends, building strengths and skills for future challenges.

  5. Mellissa June 30, 2012 at 1:58 am #

    We all have these moments-I think it would be abnormal if we didn’t! We have 94 days left and it is all I can handle! You will get through this time! You will find joy in the daily time with the kids. You will shower and leave the house. And you will rejoice like never before when The calendar shows July 1,2013!! Hugs to you! I am just down the street if you need me!!

    • amberomega June 30, 2012 at 11:26 pm #

      Thanks for your encouraging words, Mellissa. Exciting you have less than 100 days left 🙂

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