Tag Archives: me

I Lost My Big Girl Panties

25 Jun

Friday should have been a happy day.

Hayden walked out of the hospital for the last time.

He finished his three year fellowship. Ten years of training under his belt. We only have one more year to go until  all of his training is complete.

I should have been excited. For him. For us.

But I wasn’t.

I was filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment.

I was sad.

The reality that he would be leaving July 1st to work three hours away, finally hit. Hard.

In years past, when I faced challenging situations, rotations, or circumstances regarding his career, I brushed my fears aside, put on my big girl panties, convinced myself I could do it, and plowed through. And it worked…

…until last year.

After crashing and burning, I seem to have lost my big girl panties.

Some people will tell me I have every right to feel angry and bitter and will validate my feelings. Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s OK to acknowledge those emotions.

But I don’t want to live there.

I don’t want to stay angry, resentful, bitter.

I have seen other wives go through this process and live in those places. I always told myself I never wanted to do that. But here I was last Friday ready to take up residence in that very lonely place.

Blaming him was a way to justify my angst. But that was a lie. He didn’t do this to me. It’s a decision we made together. It was the best one for our family. I do still believe that. For better or for worse, right? Right.

The funny thing is, after talking crying to my friend about it, I don’t think I really want my big girl panties anymore. I don’t know if I need them.  As long as I have an ear to listen, some arms to hug me, and a few understanding and encouraging words, I think I’m good to go.

Well, for now at least.

***

{After Thought}  

Please check back with me in a few weeks. I may need you to buy me a new pair by then! You can get them here. Ooh, or this would work too. Size Medium. Thanks!

Facebook Free Summer

8 Jun

Ok, people…here goes nothing.

I have decided that this summer…

I am going Facebook free.

I’m sure that sounds a bit dramatic or maybe a little cheesy…  but it’s for reals and it’s what I need to do.  If you’re wondering why, let me explain… (and if you’re not wondering you can skip down to the end or read along for fun. Oh, and let me just say that these are pretty embarrassing to admit and I really debated about explaining why,  but as I try to be transparent and true to myself I knew that I must)…

***

1) Time Killer: FB is one of my biggest distractions. Told ya, embarrassing to admit.  But whether it’s hopping on the laptop to check in with one of the groups I’m part of or see what friends are up to, 30 minutes to an hour can pass by in no time. Not to mention how frequently I have missed the amazing cannon balls and underwater flips my kids have asked to watch as I quickly peek at Facebook on my phone while we are at the pool. There are plenty of things calling for attention and FB and my phone are not ones that need my time.  I have my four littles at home with me this summer and those are the important things that really do need my time.

2) Creativity & Confidence Squasher: That sounds kinda weird, but let me explain. I am part of a few groups on Facebook from some art classes & workshops I have taken. They all have been amazing!  And through them I have met wonderful, creative, talented women. It has been an awesome community to be a part of. The problem is, I realize that I have spent more time on Facebook looking at what everyone is creating than creating anything myself.  I see what they make and what they are doing and then start to feel like a loser for not being “as good” or “as this” or “as that.” Also, I’ve had the situation where I will see something someone else created or did that I have actually thought about doing… but once I see theirs, I think to myself that I now shouldn’t make that or do that because it no longer seems like an original idea and/or i don’t want it to appear like I have copied someone else.  I am probably over thinking it, but it’s how it makes me feel. There are so many images shared online and I need to just step away and be inspired by the “real world” around me.  Does that make sense?

3) Emotion Feeder, Perspective Snatcher & Validation Deceiver:  This is tough to admit out loud. But it’s the truth. Looking on Facebook can stir emotions in me that I really do not care for. My insecure self  (which is also affected by the Creativity & Confidence Squasher) appears and starts feeling things like self-doubt, jealousy, and self-pity…which turns into sadness, frustration, irritation, and anger.  Feeling these things and comparing myself and my situation to others can cause me to lose perspective. I forget that I am living my story, not someone else’s.

And the last one and most embarrassing to confess … Facebook isn’t where I should be looking to receive acknowledgement and validation. My worth should not be wrapped up if x amount of people “like” my post or comment on my picture…whether so and so accepted my friend request or not. Sadly, and tough to admit, I know I have used it to feel known. Maybe it’s because most of my days are spent with four kids under 10 years old and I don’t get out much by myself or with other friends (or at all!). Maybe not. But, I know I’ve used it as a place to feel like I actually exist in this world.  And if I am not on FB, I have had the thoughts…will people forget about me? …will they miss me? I know it’s silly, and especially as I type it out, it seems so ridiculous. But there it is…it’s me.

***

This summer, I want to be

silent – no FB noise

still – slowed down,  to think & listen

surrendered – completely trusting

I want to spend more time

writing

creating

playing

taking adventures

making memories

***

I want to LIVE in REAL LIFE.

So, I’m signing off of the social network.

Part of me doesn’t want to, but the other part knows I need to.

I want my family to have the best of me this summer.

I want me to have the best of me, too.

***

{and if you miss me on FB, you can visit me here on this blog}

H.A.G.S.

xoxo

Amber