Tag Archives: my journey

Topless {Nobody Wants To Be First}

15 Jun

To be completely honest, I don’t like it when people tell me they read my blog. I cringe…it freaks me out. For reals. I like to pretend that I am just sitting all alone, late at night, writing my woes and random thoughts all to myself . I don’t want to acknowledge the fact that Susie Q now knows I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, that I am insecure and quit Facebook because I was jealous of other people (gasp!), that I hide in closets or bathrooms when my kids are driving me crazy (whatever…you do that too).

So why do I do it?

I don’t think I had a real purpose in mind when I started… other than to be myself…and not just the put together parts of me…all of me, the flawed stuff too (at the time, I had no idea how difficult that would really be!).  All I knew was there was enough nonsense in my head to fill a few pages, so I got brave and signed up.

Well, it’s becoming a little more clear why I will continue to write in this little space….

We are all walking around in our daily routines, most likely putting on a smile and going about our business. We say “Hi, how ya doin?” We respond, “Good, and you?”

But is that really how we feel? For some, it truly might be the honest answer. But for many that is just the front we put on.

Nobody wants to be the first to say:

Life is really hard right now…My marriage is not in a good place…I’m really lonely…I’m struggling with an eating disorder…I’m struggling with an addiction…I think I’m depressed…I’m consumed with guilt…I feel like a failure…I’m questioning my faith…I’m barely surviving….

There are several people close to me going through some of this junk. And it stinks. Royally.

But with a few of them, I wouldn’t have known about it had they not read some of the stuff on here, and emailed or called to share with me.

I want people to know they are not alone.

You are not alone in your struggles, in your pain.

I may not have some magic advice to make all the yuck go away, but what I can say is

I know.

I know struggles…I know what failure feels like…I know loneliness…

I know…I’ve been there too and you are not alone in this…

It’s so cliche to say “everything happens for a reason,” but it is so very true. I would not be able to say those things if the last 18 months hadn’t happened, or really, the last 10 years. I have a story to tell…my story. I will write, even if it’s for an audience of one…I know there is someone who needed to read this…and this is for you.

I will be the first to take off the happy mask and share my hardships, my weakness, my joys, and my laughter. I will open up and share my soul with you, fully honest, fully surrendered.

And don’t worry, it won’t always be so serious on here. If you know me, you know I can’t do serious too long.

In one of the emails I recently received, from a friend who opened up and shared her heart, she wrote this:

“…you and I have never really done “naked” before together, but after reading your latest blog I really wanted to connect to the person that wrote that post!”

Oh honey, that wasn’t me naked, that was just me topless…I’ll get naked real soon!

…just you stay tuned…

Advertisements

The Flags of my Life

12 Mar

My post last night got me thinking about all the different places I’ve lived. Growing up I just thought I’d always live on the west coast. I was happy with Washington or California. I even would have considered Oregon. Never would I have imagined moving to a completely different region of the country. But like I said before, I love it here. Each city so unique. Each state full of history.  So here’s a little glimpse of my life journey thus far, using state flags. Yeah, i don’t know where I come up with this nonsense either.

*****

In 1991 Washington state celebrated it’s bi-centennial.  It was a fabulous year for the state with parades and parties every weekend. OK, not really.

The reason I remember this monumental year was because in one of my classes we were to draw a picture of the state flag as part of a report.  No big deal, right?

Washington State Flag

Um, you try drawing that presidential face. *Wonky* wouldn’t even come close to the description of my artistic interpretation. Why couldn’t I live in a state with an easier flag to draw?!

As luck would have it, I eventually would.  Actually a few.

After living here

California State Flag

during college  (which also would have been difficult for me to draw),

I married me a Texan.

And we all know about Texas pride and how they especially love their flag.

Texas State Flag

I didn’t think anyone could plaster their state flag on as many things as they did until…

South Carolina State Flag

…we moved to The Palmetto State.

South Carolinians take state pride to a whole new level {or at least flag pride}.

You can find this image on just about any piece of merchandise, clothing, product you can imagine. I’m not kidding. It.is.every.where. There is even a store Palmetto Moon, dedicated to all things South Carolina.  But you can see why, right? It’s totally cute. I dropped my Texas pride and adopted this one instantly.

So naturally, when I found out we were moving to Tennessee,  I couldn’t wait to see what their flag looked like. I am fully aware that that is not the first thing people look up when they are moving to a new place, but after living in the last two states, I was excited to see my new flag identity….

Tennessee State Flag

 I’ll admit, I was a little disappointed. I guess there isn’t much that can top the palmetto moon of South Carolina. This one was pretty basic and had the traditional red, white, and blue. At least my kids will be able to draw this for a project. In the 3 years we have lived here, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen this flag displayed. Anywhere. Probably at the capitol building. I would think.

Then last fall, I found out we will be moving to Alabama.

WHAT?! Alabama??? Whoa!

My brother didn’t make it any better when he said, “Dude. Amber, you’re moving to the dirty south.”

But that’s kinda how I felt.

After the initial shock, I calmed down. Though I was not thrilled (at all!) with this move, I thought … There is hope! Maybe Alabama has a flag worthy of displaying on my car. I whipped out my phone and googled “Alabama State flag”

and what to my wondering eyes should appear…

*

*

*

*

Alabama State Flag

%#*@$&*!

’nuff said.

{Flag Source}