Tag Archives: my life

10 down, 1 to go

1 Jul

Ten years ago today, we started on this journey.  He received his short white coat on Sunday, June 30, 2002 and medical school began the next day, July 1st. (Our first daughter was born a few weeks later.)

A decade behind us. Wow.

And now we are starting the homestretch.

One more year.

{I think I can…I think I can…}

We bought some bed sheets and cleaning supplies for his little bedroom apartment yesterday.

Today, he packed the essentials,

gave hugs and kisses to the kids and me, and then he left.

Headed 185 miles south on I-65.

It kinda felt like I was sending him off to college.

This all sounds much more dramatic than it actually is. We will see him next weekend. To the kids, it will probably seem like normal. But for me, I’ll watch some chick flicks and stay up late miss him terribly. No really, I will.

I love you Hayden. We can do this.

Call me when you get there.

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I Lost My Big Girl Panties

25 Jun

Friday should have been a happy day.

Hayden walked out of the hospital for the last time.

He finished his three year fellowship. Ten years of training under his belt. We only have one more year to go until  all of his training is complete.

I should have been excited. For him. For us.

But I wasn’t.

I was filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment.

I was sad.

The reality that he would be leaving July 1st to work three hours away, finally hit. Hard.

In years past, when I faced challenging situations, rotations, or circumstances regarding his career, I brushed my fears aside, put on my big girl panties, convinced myself I could do it, and plowed through. And it worked…

…until last year.

After crashing and burning, I seem to have lost my big girl panties.

Some people will tell me I have every right to feel angry and bitter and will validate my feelings. Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s OK to acknowledge those emotions.

But I don’t want to live there.

I don’t want to stay angry, resentful, bitter.

I have seen other wives go through this process and live in those places. I always told myself I never wanted to do that. But here I was last Friday ready to take up residence in that very lonely place.

Blaming him was a way to justify my angst. But that was a lie. He didn’t do this to me. It’s a decision we made together. It was the best one for our family. I do still believe that. For better or for worse, right? Right.

The funny thing is, after talking crying to my friend about it, I don’t think I really want my big girl panties anymore. I don’t know if I need them.  As long as I have an ear to listen, some arms to hug me, and a few understanding and encouraging words, I think I’m good to go.

Well, for now at least.

***

{After Thought}  

Please check back with me in a few weeks. I may need you to buy me a new pair by then! You can get them here. Ooh, or this would work too. Size Medium. Thanks!

Topless {Nobody Wants To Be First}

15 Jun

To be completely honest, I don’t like it when people tell me they read my blog. I cringe…it freaks me out. For reals. I like to pretend that I am just sitting all alone, late at night, writing my woes and random thoughts all to myself . I don’t want to acknowledge the fact that Susie Q now knows I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, that I am insecure and quit Facebook because I was jealous of other people (gasp!), that I hide in closets or bathrooms when my kids are driving me crazy (whatever…you do that too).

So why do I do it?

I don’t think I had a real purpose in mind when I started… other than to be myself…and not just the put together parts of me…all of me, the flawed stuff too (at the time, I had no idea how difficult that would really be!).  All I knew was there was enough nonsense in my head to fill a few pages, so I got brave and signed up.

Well, it’s becoming a little more clear why I will continue to write in this little space….

We are all walking around in our daily routines, most likely putting on a smile and going about our business. We say “Hi, how ya doin?” We respond, “Good, and you?”

But is that really how we feel? For some, it truly might be the honest answer. But for many that is just the front we put on.

Nobody wants to be the first to say:

Life is really hard right now…My marriage is not in a good place…I’m really lonely…I’m struggling with an eating disorder…I’m struggling with an addiction…I think I’m depressed…I’m consumed with guilt…I feel like a failure…I’m questioning my faith…I’m barely surviving….

There are several people close to me going through some of this junk. And it stinks. Royally.

But with a few of them, I wouldn’t have known about it had they not read some of the stuff on here, and emailed or called to share with me.

I want people to know they are not alone.

You are not alone in your struggles, in your pain.

I may not have some magic advice to make all the yuck go away, but what I can say is

I know.

I know struggles…I know what failure feels like…I know loneliness…

I know…I’ve been there too and you are not alone in this…

It’s so cliche to say “everything happens for a reason,” but it is so very true. I would not be able to say those things if the last 18 months hadn’t happened, or really, the last 10 years. I have a story to tell…my story. I will write, even if it’s for an audience of one…I know there is someone who needed to read this…and this is for you.

I will be the first to take off the happy mask and share my hardships, my weakness, my joys, and my laughter. I will open up and share my soul with you, fully honest, fully surrendered.

And don’t worry, it won’t always be so serious on here. If you know me, you know I can’t do serious too long.

In one of the emails I recently received, from a friend who opened up and shared her heart, she wrote this:

“…you and I have never really done “naked” before together, but after reading your latest blog I really wanted to connect to the person that wrote that post!”

Oh honey, that wasn’t me naked, that was just me topless…I’ll get naked real soon!

…just you stay tuned…

My Omega List

5 Mar

****

Some call it a Bucket List…

I’m calling it my Omega List

{as in, stuff I want to do before the END of my life}

Things I want to do:

  • swim with dolphins!
  • be part of a flash mob
  • see the Aurora Borealis {Northern Lights}
  • start a blog
  • start an etsy store
  • work at Sonic for a day {wearing rollerskates, of course}
  • teach my kids to sew
  • teach my kids to cook*
  • write a children’s book
  • start a non-profit
  • read the entire Bible
  • try-out for roller derby
  • plant a veggie garden
  • plant a flower garden
  • teach an art class
  • dumpster dive & find something awesome
  • have a family picture taken
  • speak to a large crowd {mostly cause I’m freaked out by the idea}
  • parasailing
  • deliver shoeboxes with Operation Christmas Child
  • have a project on kickstarter.com
  • have a pet pig
  • audition for The Amazing Race
  • be on The Amazing Race {wannabe my partner?}
  • design & sell a T-shirt
  • be debt free
  • adopt
  • wake up early with my husband for 22 days in a row
  • go to bed early
  • host an art retreat
  • host a retreat for med spouses
  • live on a farm
  • own chickens

Places I want to go & see:

  • Ireland
  • Italy
  • Alaska {to see the Aurora Borealis, go on a cruise}
  • England
  • Africa
  • NYC {& see a Broadway show}
  • Tour Israel
  • A Dude Ranch {take my family there}
  • All 50 states
  • DisneyWorld
  • Mt Rushmore
  • Greece
  • Hong Kong {visit cousins}
  • Camping with my family

Stuff I want to learn:

  • how to play guitar
  • how to use our DSLR camera
  • what DSLR means Digital Single Lens Reflex {thanks to my cousin}
  • how to surf
  • how to build a porch swing
  • how to make a felt scarf
  • how to meal plan
  • *how to cook {so I can teach my kids}

Stay tuned…I’ll be adding more.

Do you have a bucket list?