Tag Archives: surrender

Topless {Nobody Wants To Be First}

15 Jun

To be completely honest, I don’t like it when people tell me they read my blog. I cringe…it freaks me out. For reals. I like to pretend that I am just sitting all alone, late at night, writing my woes and random thoughts all to myself . I don’t want to acknowledge the fact that Susie Q now knows I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, that I am insecure and quit Facebook because I was jealous of other people (gasp!), that I hide in closets or bathrooms when my kids are driving me crazy (whatever…you do that too).

So why do I do it?

I don’t think I had a real purpose in mind when I started… other than to be myself…and not just the put together parts of me…all of me, the flawed stuff too (at the time, I had no idea how difficult that would really be!).  All I knew was there was enough nonsense in my head to fill a few pages, so I got brave and signed up.

Well, it’s becoming a little more clear why I will continue to write in this little space….

We are all walking around in our daily routines, most likely putting on a smile and going about our business. We say “Hi, how ya doin?” We respond, “Good, and you?”

But is that really how we feel? For some, it truly might be the honest answer. But for many that is just the front we put on.

Nobody wants to be the first to say:

Life is really hard right now…My marriage is not in a good place…I’m really lonely…I’m struggling with an eating disorder…I’m struggling with an addiction…I think I’m depressed…I’m consumed with guilt…I feel like a failure…I’m questioning my faith…I’m barely surviving….

There are several people close to me going through some of this junk. And it stinks. Royally.

But with a few of them, I wouldn’t have known about it had they not read some of the stuff on here, and emailed or called to share with me.

I want people to know they are not alone.

You are not alone in your struggles, in your pain.

I may not have some magic advice to make all the yuck go away, but what I can say is

I know.

I know struggles…I know what failure feels like…I know loneliness…

I know…I’ve been there too and you are not alone in this…

It’s so cliche to say “everything happens for a reason,” but it is so very true. I would not be able to say those things if the last 18 months hadn’t happened, or really, the last 10 years. I have a story to tell…my story. I will write, even if it’s for an audience of one…I know there is someone who needed to read this…and this is for you.

I will be the first to take off the happy mask and share my hardships, my weakness, my joys, and my laughter. I will open up and share my soul with you, fully honest, fully surrendered.

And don’t worry, it won’t always be so serious on here. If you know me, you know I can’t do serious too long.

In one of the emails I recently received, from a friend who opened up and shared her heart, she wrote this:

“…you and I have never really done “naked” before together, but after reading your latest blog I really wanted to connect to the person that wrote that post!”

Oh honey, that wasn’t me naked, that was just me topless…I’ll get naked real soon!

…just you stay tuned…

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Facebook Fasting {update}

12 Jun

So far it’s been 4 days since I posted about my Facebook free summer. I’ll be honest, it hasn’t been easy. And to be completely honest…I have cheated…a little. Because I’ve been tagged in pictures & comments, the notice appears in my email… so of course (duh!) I click to see what it was . And because I am so weak, I then peek a little more to see the news feed. But just a little. This is so ridiculous. Seriously. {Note to self: must work on self control.}

But, I have realized that it’s not just about Facebook. It’s about most everything online. Pinterest and blogs are just as distracting to me and can cause all those feelings I mentioned before. Thank goodness, I’m not on Twitter, that could be a disaster. My eyes capture images, stories, successes, opportunities, activities, vacations, creations…I feel like the world is moving on without me…to bigger and better things. Bigger and better than what? I’m not sure. But better than where I am, I’m guessing.

**

I’ve been journaling daily about how this process is going,  my weaknesses, my frustrations, what I am learning, my feelings, thoughts. Geez, you would think I’m an addict or something. Ha! Maybe I am…and this is my detox. An addict to an empty virtual life, or really addict to an online stalker life…peeking into other people’s lives, or at least what they let me see of it. Yeah, that does sound kinda creepy.

The first few days I was excited, determined to live in real life. Be present. I was on a mission to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I wanted to plan out what my future will look like. My mind was consumed with this thought. What am I supposed to do? I had ideas, but nothing was making sense in my head. None of them seemed right. I was getting anxious. I thought I needed to figure this out  asap. Not sure why it felt so urgent, but I was determined to find my answer.

On Sunday afternoon I tried to share this with my husband. I wanted to bounce ideas off of him, get his opinion. Maybe I just wanted him to tell me the answer. I’m not sure what I said, but it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to…it never does. I was on the verge of tears and I didn’t want to be a crying mess so I didn’t completely share my heart. I think that was OK. No, I know it was OK. We ended up talking about some other things that made me reflect on where I have been and where I am now. Even just a year ago, I was in such a different place. Eventually, the kids came in and needed daddy for something, so I crawled into my bed, pulled the sheets over my head, and tried to just cry it all out. I thought maybe I just was backed up with tears and they needed to get out. I tried. It didn’t work. Then…

Surrender.

The word popped up in my fuzzy head through the emotions and tears. Surrender…oh yeah. I forgot about that. My word this year. Let go…hands up…white flag waving…surrender.

I picked up my e-reader, and opened up my Jesus Calling book.  {Yeah, watch out, I may go all spiritual/religious-y on you 😉 }

I turned to the page titled June 10 and read:

Rest in me, my child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Remember you are on a journey with me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. 

Ahhhh….

It’s crazy how that happens…it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Surrender…

Let go…so you can rest….

It ended with this verse:

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.”  Psalm 62:5

And I will leave you with that because I can hear my little guy waking up from his nap…crying (oh joy!). Oh, and on the way to his room, I might stop in the bathroom to throw up, because that is how I feel right before, during, and after I hit the “publish” button on a post like this…because doesn’t everyone just love being wholly and completely vulnerable? Yeah, me neither.

xoxo

Amber

I’m a poet & I didn’t even know it

12 Apr

One of the biggest lessons I learned last year was that I truly am not in control of my life. Yes, I make decisions and yes, I do have choices. But ultimately, I believe that there is a master artist, a great storyteller, a loving Creator that is painting and writing the best piece we will ever know.

I have never written a poem in my life. Well, maybe a haiku or two {hee hee}.  But about a month ago, I was journaling and just started writing words down. About 15 minutes later I was reading this on the page in front of me…

My Surrender

Here I stand, all alone, waving my white flag,

barely able to hold it up, but finally feeling glad.

I wave it not out of defeat but a yielding kind of way,

knowing that from here on out, I’m not alone each day.

I’m following my Leader, because I know, that He knows best;

before, when trying to plan life myself, I only thought of my interest.

I would said, “Yes, I believe.” But did I really trust?

And then He said, “living for ME and not for self, is going to be a must,

if you want to be a part of my great big plan…

serve me, do for me, and not for the praises of man.”

So here I am, flag in hand, and choosing to remember,

that every morning when I wake, I must stand & wave my surrender.